enioua

I just need to write this down

2005-03-31T00:44:24Z

I have figured something out about myself. I knew it before actually, but it just hit me in a different way today and I need to pour it out to someone. I consider myself very affectionate and passionate, but have always had trouble showing it. Part of it is mear shyness, but there is also insecurity. This comes out particularly with intimacy. I am afraid to let anyone know how I feel about them because I am afraid of rejection. But it is not quite like that; I know alot of people have that fear. If I try to imagine myself confessing to someone how I feel I always imagine they will laugh in my face. Or even if they were kinder, and more polite than that, I immediately am swarmed by humiliation and embarrassment at the very idea of admitting this to someone. Why is this? I don't have much self-confidence, but at the same time I have a strong feeling of self-worth. I am eager to go out into the world and try to make or do SOMETHING positive for life. I often think about the limitless possibilities of life, and even though I know many of them will not be options for me, simply knowing it is possible is a wonderful feeling for me. I can be very confident in some areas, and when I step back to look at myself I am overall pleased with what I find. Of course improvement is always needed but I don't think I am in any way inferior to those around me. So why am I so terrified about this? I can imagine why people would want to be friends with me, why (although I also assume they have a tainted view of me) someone would admire me, and care about me. But when it comes to love and intimacy, young as I am I am very worried about how things are going.

enioua @ 2004-09-05T14:40:00

2004-09-05T18:52:12Z

I have had to say quite a few goodbyes lately. In a few days I will be leaving my home and heading off to a boarding school where I hope to find interesting people and interesting classes. Because of this I have become much more aware of my friends and how much time I have left to say good bye. Recently, we were talking about how we might view each other if we hadn't grown up together, hadn't been forced through the same projects, and teachers, and bullies, what would we see if we passed each other on the street. I was a little saddened to realize I might very well be ready to smack one of my dearest friends just based on my first impressions of her. She is blonde and angelic looking, a klutz that is constantly confused. If I didn't know her I might generalize and assume she was a ditz and possibly a bitch but nothing could be further from the truth. She is sweet, silly, funny, caring, elegant, and insane. Every time I think of her I smile and I am extremely grateful that we met when we did. I guess in a way we are such opposites that we are the same. We aren't quite black and white, we are more like blue and yellow, me with my dark eyes, sarcastic, cynical humor, and radical positions. A curse leaving my mouth every few minutes and black trenchcoat enveloping my small frame. Her- with her dazzling smile, ballerina build, and dramatic ways. But we share some things too, she is not a complete angel, and I am far from a devil. There is a middle ground of maturity, caring, laughter, and craziness that connects us.
My friends and I have known each other a long time, we are good friends, but at the same time I often feel out of the group. This is not some whining angst thing where I feel no one understands me, and I don't think I am the only one that feels it. We love each other but are afraid to test one another. Afraid to see how far we can go before our friends abandon us. I like being with them, but I know its time for me to move on, and find more people that are interested in the same things as me, and ready to have deeper relationships.

meh why not, found this on divinemirage's lj

2004-07-21T21:58:28Z

Keep the things you have in common with me.
Erase the rest.
Add 5-10 of your own.
Post in my comments and your own journal.

I don't like stupid people.
I am NOT stupid.
I love music.
I love animals.
I'm a nightowl.
I don't exercise enough.

I love to play videogames

I hate it when people judge something they don't understand.
I enjoy reading books.

I enjoy debating (arguing) more than I should.

I wish all my friends didn't keep moving further away.
I never get enough sleep, even when I oversleep.

I am a contradiction.
I am afraid of not being loved.
I love reading politics and philosophy.

I'm very self-conscious
I love to be creative but worry I have no talent.
I love dark chocolate.
I like quiet.
I hate crowds.
I hate feeling out of control.
I am afraid of never finding a soul mate or something similar.
I love how easy it is to find beauty in the world by simply looking around; without going to mountain tops or foreign beaches.
I can be stuck-up without really meaning to.
I hate mediocrity.

enioua @ 2004-07-19T12:09:00

2004-07-19T19:18:23Z

I have just been reading the debate over gay marraige that has been going on in the community: 4change. It saddens me that such a sweet, wonderful thing as love can bring up so many hateful emotions. While I do support gay marraige I think both sides of the arguement did make some mistakes. The mainly-Christian commenteres say that they do not want to spread hate, even though every word they say just adds more fuel to the fire. If you want to spread only love, than perhaps you shouldn't go around accusing people of being perverted. They say that they accept gays but not a marraige between them. Why? If they have nothing against gays then why should they not allow them the same rights? They say homosexuality is wrong, and despite the many times they repeat this I still have not found a satisfactory answer as to why. Of course, this is without even taking into account that it really isn't the Church's descision whether gay marraige is allowed, because it is legal marraige that is being debated, not religious marraige.
Unfortunately, many of those who agree with my opinion become so inflamed over the arguement that htye begin to take cheap shots at religion. Although I find this hard not to do myself it really doesn't help matters. Someone's religious beliefs is the most sacred thiing in their lives, an that should be respected and admired. However, those beliefs should not be used to justify subconscious bias and fear of what they determine to be "unusual."

Quando paramucho mi amore

2004-07-12T04:12:29Z

I am in Seattle visiting a family friend right now.
My hosts are such interesting and intelligent people. Over dinner we discussed concepts of reality and free will, mind-bending stuff. I also saw a dance performance by Trisha Brown. It basically took place on a (horizontal) web of rope from which clothes were hung horizontally. Dancers would swing up into the web and shimmy and squirem there way into the clothing. It was really strange and it was a good reminder to me about just how much there is in the art world. I am starting art classes tomorrow and hope they go well. I hope I like the kids, it would be good to make some friends out here. I have been reading some different lj's and people have brought up how caught up our society is in materialism. About 95% of me agrees that it would be good to rid ourselves of material possesions and win freedom from corporate slave-drivers. But at the same time there is that part of me that longs to use so many of these things as self-expression. I suppose there are other ways of doing this, but I find that so many of my posters, clothes, books, etc I value so highly because of what I feel they represent in my personality. I suppose there could be a middle road to be taken but I'm not sure. I hope this doesn't mean that I am more superficial than I think. Sigh, ah well I'm going to go relax and draw.

favorite lines from my favorite poem

2004-07-08T16:14:32Z

angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly
connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat
up smoking in the supernatural darkness of
cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities
contemplating jazz,

~ Howl by Allen Ginsberg

a tirade, read if you really want:

2004-07-07T01:30:54Z

I'm feeling extremely conflicted and although its hard to form my emotion into words I feel it important that I get this out. My dad's a prick. I guess that's the best place to start. You see, I just had a conversation with my mother in which she told me she feels that in some ways my father is a chauvinist. I'm not sure if I exactly agree with this, I think my father respects women and their rights. He often encourages me to an independent person and seems to greatly respect other women. But the way he treats my mother is definitely not fair. It seems that because she no longer works, he feels he can put all things dealing with home and family on her. He acts as if simply going to work and going about his day is contributing enough to the house hold. To be fair he will do other things such as cleaning the dishes etc, and he does have a busy schedule, but when he does do something for the house he does seem to hold it over everyone else, as if doing something once is enough. If he doesn't do it that way, than he takes part by micromanaging and arguing with my mom about everything. He is an anal perfectionist and its a wonder my mom hasn't given him a black eye yet, perhaps she has. He is also a procrastinator and is afraid of change, but that brings me into a whole other tangent that I have been over so many times I can not bear to do it again.
I know there are also many good things about my dad. He is very smart, adventurous, and in an odd way funny. He excercises regularly and loves trying new foods. He loves to travel and knows alot about Marxism and other political and social theories. He is an abstract thinker, lover of music, and other cultures. I like to talk to him about philosophical subjects or current events.
I just wish he would be better to my mom. I would happily give up a lot to have them talk happily together. I wish he would give her more respect, acknowledge her intelligence, and her hard work. I often wonder if she will leave him when I am out of high school. I couldn't blame her. He is an imposing, procrastinating, uncompromising, hypocrite. I don't know if its just my mother, or some subconscious bigotry he picked up as a child in a household with 2 women and 8 men. I don't think my grandfather was in any way a chauvinist, although I suppose to some degree its possible. My grandma was a very liberal and independent woman, going to school while she was married to major in journalism, involving herself in community programs, and taking dance well into her 70's. I never found any evidence to suggest that my grandpa inhibited her. I just don't know. Unfortunately this tirade hasn't helped much, and I still feel upset. Perhaps it won't be settled until I confront it, but I"m not about to do that now. I can't wait to go to boarding school. <\lj-cut>

O me

2004-07-05T17:21:49Z

I'm going to see Fahrenheit 9/11 today with some friends, should be good fun. I've actually seen it before, but want to see it again to see if I can figure out exactly what people think is disingenious. Although I've heard alot of criticism about the movie I have yet to hear what is actually incorrect in it, they just say it gives a slanted picture. Personally, I don't think that's something to complain about. Moore is not setting out to paint a portrait of Bush's good and bad sides, he is clearly against Bush and using information to make a case against him, and uses humor to make it easier for people to deal with the rest of what the movie covers. It's really starting to piss me off that all the negative reviews I've read don't really explain what's wrong with it, and just use Moore's weight as a way to make fun of him. Frankly, if your argument is so thin that you have to go after someone's appearance to strengthen it, then you really shouldn't be writing anything at all. If you're going to go after someone about this, at least have some facts to counter the arguement with, otherwise you are just being spiteful. If there is a review that can really disprove some of what Moore says I would love to see it.

enioua @ 2004-06-28T18:13:00

2004-06-28T22:17:44Z

I think I may very well have finally found a good group to belong to. I'm pretty sure I was born a cacophonist:http://www.zpub.com/caco/

Just recording a very surreal dream I had

2004-06-28T15:03:50Z

I'm not sure where I was but I met up with Jamie and we were going to do something together. So I went over to his house where there were several other people who I knew although I have never seen them in real life. I had a music video of Imagine I really wanted to show to one of my girl friends. However, before I could start it we had to go to a movie that was playing in town. I don't remember much about the movie but while in a room just off of the theatre I had a tape with Imagine on it that I rewound so my friend could hear it. By accident i rewinded the wrong side and so had to turn it over and rewind again. The order of events gets pretty hazy, but I remember at one point I finally got to watch the video, it had John Lennon, with long hair floating through couds while singing the first verse. I only remember hearing certain lines of the first verse and the chorus while others seemed to escape me It was as if the music wouldn't play unless I made a conscious effort of hearing it. At one point, John turned into a cloud. It wasn;t just one cloud, but a bunch of those smaller ones that stay near one another and form a splotchy image of John's face turned to the right. THe change was gradual and beautiful to watch. Then I was looking down on hills and valleys with small villages in them that were being covered by this strange white substance that was reminiscent of the clouds from before, but looked more like thick whipped cream or a pure white batter that had been poured out and was at a consistency so that you could see the folds in it as whatever it had been poured from moved back and forth. The cream was slowly moving outward and covering the entire valley. At some point, possible back at the movie theatre, I became lucid, I turned my head looking for something to varify this but woke up as I did so, so that when I opened my eyes I realized that not only had I turned in my dream but in reality, and so was facing the wall. That's all I can remember.

fuck

2004-06-23T21:15:06Z

I am terribly worried that I have become too wrapped up in my alter-ego, to be able to enjoy my real self. For a long time now, when things have been hard or depressing, I have been able to slip into another world and life, in which I have created a young woman with a similar personality to mine, but stronger, more beautiful, graceful, and independent. Its as if I've worked out the perfect body to reflect my soul. However, now the problem is I am steadily learning to hate my real self. I feel awkward and ungainly. Its not simply looks that play into this, this other girl I have created is more than just beautiful. She is able to take her creativity and implement it to a much greater extent than I am. I have often felt that I was born to be a student at a liberal arts college. And this sort of like that, this other me is older, and therefore independent and liberated. I think thats the main thing here. I feel extremely restrained by my dependence on my family for money and transport, lack of privacy, lack of independence and education because of my age, and (as much I hate to use this phrase) peer pressure.
And now that this other self has grown so strong and vivid, my real life becomes suffocatingly dull and dissapointing. The most frustrating thing is that I know it doesn't have to be. If there is any phrase that really annoys me, it is when people say they hate the world. I can understand someone saying they hate society, or people, or religion, or whatever, but too completely denounce all of life as we know it is just stupid. There is far too much in this world to hate all of it. To many places and ideas, personalities, lifestyles, millions of things beyond our imagining are out there somewhere. It is impossible to truly hate everything in a world that can have so much hatred and stupidity, and at the same time be so exquisitely and simply beautiful. Just that fact alone, seems to me to be a good justification for loving the world.

insanity

2004-06-23T00:36:37Z

Not long ago I read something in the newspaper that suggested Bush has a personality disorder, which may be part of the reason he has trouble admitting his mistakes... I'm tempted to think he's just a stupid fuck like everyone else.
Its a very complex concept though, not Bush, any of my thoughts about him are quite straight-forward. I'm talking about insanity. We are all slowly going crazy. There is no denying it, we all have our quirks, we just have them in different degrees and forms. Besides, insanity is really relative. What may seem a prefectly reasonable act to one person can be completely alien to another. It all depends on what you're used to. The moral code and customs that you are brought up with all determine what is considered crazy. Many times, it is this strict code that leads to insanity, when some individuals feel they have no escape. There is some saying or other about how one day the lunatics will run the asylum, but I think they have been running it from the beginnning.

just looking for confirmation... that something is really wrong with me

2004-06-21T19:00:21Z

These are just some speculations I've had throughout the day, when I look back on them some time in the future they may seem stupid or pretentious, but oh well. I'm taking advantage of my good mood before it slips away again.

I had always prided myself on being a fairly deep thinker, although my education is really just beginning, by education I don't just mean school but my understanding of life, I always felt that I was able to reflect on things and better understand them then my peers. However, it seems that in exchange for this complacence, my regular everyday thought process is.... high-strung. Although I might not show it, everyday transactions with the outside world can make me nearly hysterical. I become immensely aware of everyone around me, and even though I know I will never see them again, and that they probably don't even notice me, I worry about what they think of me. I suppose this could just be normal paranoia, but I wish I was able to control it. I become terrified of making a mistake, and can be thrown off by the slightest problem. This isn't always true, around friends I can manage some sort of self-confidence, that allows me to get by, I just wish I weren't so spineless on my own. I don't want to care, but I hate being misunderstood. So to summarize all of this rambling, my shyness comes down to the fact that buying a pack of Twizzlers can be an exhausting ordeal for me. Its kind of funny really, my stream of consciousness takes on the voice of Woody Allen, with neurotic whining, outrage, and outright confusion. On the other hand, depending on how much sleep I have gotten lately, this hysteria cn turn into entertainment, exhileration even. I am easily over-stimulated, but also repulsed by the huge chaos of color, sound, and advertising that can leap out at you from every corner of any neon-highlighted mall or whatever place i happen to be in. I love to stand and just let all of the noise wash over me, as I try to make some sense of the swarm of people, and wonder why. Why the hell do we find it so necessary to fill our lives with all these little things? WHy do we let ourselves be sucked into such an obnoxious, superficial pop-culture that perverts everything that is good and real, so that it can make as much money out of it as possible? It fascinates yet sickens me. YEt other people seem to go by it without noticing, or perhaps they do notice, but have grown accustomed to it. I wish I could do the same.

hi there

2004-06-19T02:05:45Z

Alrighty then, I have created this livejournal so I can be my general self without worrying what others that actually know me, think of me. Actually, they probably wouldn't care, but I'm bored so why not. I wish I could make my first entry a little more inspiring, but I'm not in the mood and I doubt many people will be reading this anyway so........... vwing.